· Three salesmen and three accountants are travelling by train in an unreserved compartment to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three salesmen buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a salesman. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three salesmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor checks it & returns it. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the salesmen on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the salesmen buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a salesman. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three salesmen into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the salesman walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

· A man was praying to God He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "a million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

· A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up the rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick independent bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing" said the hunter, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

· A man joined a big Multinational company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Chairman of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Chairman. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!

· The Titanic hits the iceberg and was beginning to go down. Everybody in the ship was shouting, crying, running or praying to god... Just then a Italian asks Santa in the ship. Italian : How far is land, from here ? Santa: Two miles .. Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. Santa is a little confused --??.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the ship to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Santa: Downwards ...

· A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?". Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home." The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

· Two daring jumpers simultaneously jumped from Empire State Building . One of them came straight and the other, unfortunately, bumped into windows and balconies on the way, before falling down. When Banta was asked why one came a minute later than the other he replied: "Perhaps he had to stop to ask for the directions!"

· On being asked aboard about the reasons for delay in flight departure, an airhostess replied: "Actually a little noise and smoke in the engine was bothering the pilot in command, so it took us a little while to replace him with another pilot!"

· An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"

· A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Jaspal you are hereby fined Rs.2000. On deposit of this entire sum, you will be released." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has Rs.1500 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

· One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, 'You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!'

· A Woman's husband was ill for a long time in a hospital and she was always by his bedside every single day. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?" You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I had this accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.....You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think, you bring me all the bad luck."

· Chief Executive of an airline running into losses asked its maintenance staff to look for cutting costs. Each member was given an aeroplane to dismantle and reassemble to analyse the cost saving possibilities. In a meeting called to review the results, Banta surprised everybody by claiming that he could reduce costs by 20%. On being asked how, Banta pointed towards one engine, one wing, two tyres and a bucket full of nuts and bolts and declared "All these were found to be surplus." No extra stuff, No maintenance.

· Banta Singh meets his long time friend on the way who asks "Are you going to or coming from office?" . Puzzled, Banta Singh opens his lunch box in the middle of the road and replies "Coming!"

· Tukkham Singh went with his brother to the zoo. On the leopard's cage they saw a blue sign WET PAINT. "Oh," Tukkham's brother said,"I always thought that leopard's spots were real."

· Before leaving for office, a husband would tease his wife by saying " Bye, mother of four". One day, she said, "Bye, father of two" and he stopped teasing.

· Banta Singh was sitting in a hotel lounge when a man asked him,"Are you relaxing?" "No, I am Banta Singh," he said. Soon after Banta went out and saw a man sitting under sun umbrella. Banta asked him : "Are you relaxing?" When he replied he was, Banta told him:"Somebody is looking for you in the lounge."

· Two campers were sitting barefoot in a forest when a bear started chasing them. Suddenly one of them stopped and started wearing his running shoes. Alarmed at this first one yelled "Rush my friend otherwise you will never be able to outrun bear". Said the other "I am only trying to outrun you"

· Teacher : "Where is the Himalaya. kid?" Kid:"Madam, I don't know."Teacher: "Don't know? Stand on the desk." Kid:"I still can't see, Madam."

· A mother of a naughty son was advised by a psychiatrist. "You are too upset and worried about your son. Take tranquilisers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist enquired, "Have the tranquilisers calmed you down?" "Yes" she answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. "Who cares?" replied the mother.

· A little girl had just finished her first few days at school. "I'm wasting my time" she told her mother. "I can't read, I can't write-and they won't let me talk"

· A reporter was interviewing a 105 year old woman. "And what do you think about being 105 ?" the reporter asked. Pat came her reply "No peer pressure".

· Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on the stage? " A: Because son, it is more difficult to hit on a moving target. "

· A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. " What are those knives doing in your car? " asked the officer. " I juggle them in my act." " Oh yeah? " says the cop. "Lets see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, " Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do know! "

· Boss:"Do you believe in life after death?"Employee: "Yes sir". Boss; "That explains everything, because after you left for the funeral of your grandmother, she came here to see you."

· Badly Tired of wrong moves of a drummer, the music director retorted,"When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks and make him a drummer." Pat came the reply: " And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him the conductor.

· A man approaches a very beautiful woman in a big shopping mall and says "You know I can't find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears from nowhere."

· A man is fed up of being the butt of all jokes . He goes upto his wife and says "Tell me one good joke in which I am not involved." Wife says "I am pregnant."

· A fool enters an art gallery and says " I suppose this horrible thing I am looking at is what you call modern art ?" The Art dealer replies "I beg your pardon sir, But that's actually a mirror"

· A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

· There are three kinds of people in the world — those who can count and those who can’t.

· Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing Rs.20,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of Rs.2,000.” There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Three thousand !”

· A man felt giddy and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. “I can’t seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol.” “Well,” said the redneck, “then I’ll come back when you’re sober.

· Mrs Sharma asked her 5th standard class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand. Little Sharad stood up, alone. Mrs Sharma said, “Sharad, do you really think you’re stupid?” “No,” Sharad said. “But I didn’t want you standing up there alone.”

· A Government servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at Udyog Bhawan. He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, “My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you will never be able to work again.” “Okay,” muttered the injured clerk. "What’s the bad news?"

· After Hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub , the doctor reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your record and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home . I'am only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself", Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
· Tourist at Niagara Falls: